How I start my mornings.

I need drugs. I am abnormal. Normal people do not have the conversations I have.
example!

BOYFRIEND: I share my birth month with a lot of my friends.

ME: I dont.

BOYFRIEND: You share your birth month with Jesus.

ME: Jesus can suck it.

PAUSE

ME: Actually I bet Jesus gives great blowjobs.... in fact I bet they would be miraculous!

PAUSE

BOYFRIEND: I bet he's better at giving hand jobs.... He wouldnt even have to close his hand!


Thats right folks. My boyfriend made a sex joke about stigmatas! We are both going to hell, unless God has a sense of humour....
So after I pried myself off the ground ( I fell off the bed laughing so hard) I HAD to tell my father.

ME: *repeats joke*

FATHER: *laughs very loudly for minutes* Well Stigmata fetishes are the next big thing!

My goodness I REALLY hope that God has a sense of humour but if he doesnt at least I will have good company for all of eternity right?

martha stewart I am not!

In my family I am not known for my wonderful wrapping skills. My grandmother always gives presents in gift bags and always wonders why I don't do the same. This is the reason.

Every time I buy a present for someone I look for gift bags then I look at the pretty wrapping paper and I think I CAN WRAP THIS! I will Martha Stewart the crap out of this!! I will prove my brilliance and then my family will no longer mock me!

About 15 minutes later I realize I cannot Martha Stewart the crap out of it, I can't even wrap it.... my wonderful present ends up in a mess of wrapping paper and tape. After this I decide I will cover it in ribbons, disguise the mess and still end up with a great present! This does not work, neither does the stickers I put on. So instead of a present worthy of the pages of magazines I end up with a mitigated disaster of paper, stickers and ribbons and me sitting in the middle of the room crying into my magazines "WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE THIS?"

One Christmas I thought it would be a wonderful idea to be a professional gift wrapper in a mall, to which my father did not share my enthusiasm. To prove his point he brought home a small box and asked me to wrap it... I changed my Christmas career choice to Santa's little helper...

Turkeys Bride!

My goodness! so I got a job at a loan store.
In my three days of working here I have learned that
people are very rude! I have never been hung up on
and or been called so many unpleasant names in my
life!
in other news its almost Thanksgiving! As everyone but me
is going away for thanksgiving I am having mine slightly
late. In an effort to be interesting I am trying to come
up with a witty name for it. Of course all my
witty names are derived from movies. Such as
"Turkey Horror Picture Show" "The girl with the Turkey Tattoo"
and "Turkey 2: He was dead but then he got better."
So not so much witty as just plagiarism.
*sigh* Mayhaps I will just call it OCTOBER THE 17TH
EAT UNTIL YOU EXPLODE DAY!
A little long, don't you think?
Its my first thanksgiving by myself, and I am really paranoid about it
I am convinced I am going to screw it up and be forced
to order Chinese foods. I am not sure why if I fuck
up my massive dinner that could feed a village in Africa
for a month it automatically means Chinese take out,
but whatever.
Maybe that's what I will call my dinner "Massively large
Dinner that could feed an African Village for a month!"
..... kind of depressing.

Did you hear?

Tim Curry is my hero. It doesn't matter that he was the voice of the mouse king in "Barbie in the nutcracker" He's that cool. What I dont understand is how he remains single. This question burned in my mind ever so stronger as I watched this clip.


If you find yourself overloaded by a mixture of bad sfx and Tim Curry's boyishly good looks, may I recommend you skip to 3:23.