This woman came up to me the other day in the store, holding a Pedi egg and a large poster of the human digestive system. For those who don't know what a pedi egg is, its a cheese grater for the foot. She come up and she said, "I came in the other day and bought this (holds up pedi egg) but I meant to buy this (holds up giant human digestive poster) Can I exchange?" I suppressed the urge to ask how the hell she mixed up the two and just said " No, our computer doesn't allow us to exchange items I'm sorry." Her argument was to immediately pull out the receipt and point at the part where it clearly says "No Exchanges, No Returns" and say "Well it says here..."
"Yes, It says there No Exchanges or returns"
Her tactics changed to leaning in *really* close and saying "Just this once?" Then she got mad.
I should clarify that both items were 1 dollar. She raised her voice and got angry at a dollar. I searched my pockets to give her one since she was obviously so poorly off, but I didn't have anything. When I finally made it clear that I couldn't, she made a big show about gathering her stuff and then failed miserably to pick up the poster. "Well I'm just going to leave this here for YOU to deal with" At which point I made a big show of picking up the poster and putting in the basket not a foot a way and saying "Have a nice day"
Karma got me back though, my next customer paid a 20 dollar tab in nickels, dimes and pennies.

Chistmas is a time for jolly, and holly, and other things that end in "olly"

It is also a time for crazed shoppers to become angry that the dollar store is out of jumbo bags 6 days before Christmas... ugh.

On the other hand it is also a time to get Nerf guns from friends and have a gun fight in their mostly empty house. I think it is an entirely appropriate time of year to learn that I am a *very* good shot :)

I am not sure how many of you know of the American Family Association. They are bunch of religious idiots. They have a crusade going on against companies that are "Anti- Christmas"
Bugger them, HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

World Domination here I come!!

I got into University! Woot Woot!
I actually got in to a couple universities :)
I also just started my own cleaning business.
World domination is next!

20 years ago my mother was on the cusp of 21 and 9 months pregnant. My father was turning 22. They both were in the middle of successful military careers, and happily married.
Tonight I am on the eve of 21, I am neither pregnant or married. In fact I am with a man who never wants with either. Thats fine but as I take this time to reflect I cant help but feel a tinge of remorse. One might even call it regret.

I am slightly more intelligent than most people, you wouldn't be able to tell from my life. Up to this point it has been one illogical and misconceived plan after another, each ending in failure and isolation. So what road do I follow from here? Do I go to school? Do I do a triple major, go into a field that isnt hiring and then onto a job I am not sure I can even do? Or do I settle into a life of menial jobs and wandering? I don't know in what direction to go from here. How do I wake up and fell I have accomplished something when I am unsure of what I wish to accomplish?

I am forced to reflect on my parents life and the dreams I had for myself as a child. I know each life is different and it is true that three years after the fact my parents split and both respectively left the military to enter another phase of their life. I never had a guide line for my dreams, no over all goal just a vague grandiose idea. It has proven difficult because of that to assess if my life has measured up to what my young mind imagined adulthood to be. If I judged simply by the feeling of regret and feeling of misguidance by my own hand, I would say that no. The life I am living has not measured up.

Streaming....

Why is that you feel like crap one second and when you come out you can feel better? All in a matter of 15 minutes?

She didn't call, text facebook or other wise. She left me hanging and I was pissed. Not at her just at the fact she tossed me aside as a dick came along.

Then I had a shower and packed her things and I am suddenly okay with the situation with out the help of alcohol! (wow I sounded like an alcoholic there....)

I know that because I'm okay with the situation now shes going to call or just show up. I don't know what I am going to do. Probably be rude its my go to reaction when some ones hurt me. Oh well.

I hope the dick doesn't show up here. that would be awkward, I dont have any hard feeling towards him at all he is a great guy. I just really don't want to talk to the guy who stole my best friend from me.

Im still okay.

good time girls finish last.

I am so sick of being the girl that people call when they are lonely or their boyfriends a jerk or when their girlfriends being an insensitive cunt.

I am that person for pretty much everyone, even my dad.
.
..
...
....
...
..
.
I am going to drink myself and watch so much T.V my brain leaks out my ears.

How I start my mornings.

I need drugs. I am abnormal. Normal people do not have the conversations I have.
example!

BOYFRIEND: I share my birth month with a lot of my friends.

ME: I dont.

BOYFRIEND: You share your birth month with Jesus.

ME: Jesus can suck it.

PAUSE

ME: Actually I bet Jesus gives great blowjobs.... in fact I bet they would be miraculous!

PAUSE

BOYFRIEND: I bet he's better at giving hand jobs.... He wouldnt even have to close his hand!


Thats right folks. My boyfriend made a sex joke about stigmatas! We are both going to hell, unless God has a sense of humour....
So after I pried myself off the ground ( I fell off the bed laughing so hard) I HAD to tell my father.

ME: *repeats joke*

FATHER: *laughs very loudly for minutes* Well Stigmata fetishes are the next big thing!

My goodness I REALLY hope that God has a sense of humour but if he doesnt at least I will have good company for all of eternity right?

martha stewart I am not!

In my family I am not known for my wonderful wrapping skills. My grandmother always gives presents in gift bags and always wonders why I don't do the same. This is the reason.

Every time I buy a present for someone I look for gift bags then I look at the pretty wrapping paper and I think I CAN WRAP THIS! I will Martha Stewart the crap out of this!! I will prove my brilliance and then my family will no longer mock me!

About 15 minutes later I realize I cannot Martha Stewart the crap out of it, I can't even wrap it.... my wonderful present ends up in a mess of wrapping paper and tape. After this I decide I will cover it in ribbons, disguise the mess and still end up with a great present! This does not work, neither does the stickers I put on. So instead of a present worthy of the pages of magazines I end up with a mitigated disaster of paper, stickers and ribbons and me sitting in the middle of the room crying into my magazines "WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE THIS?"

One Christmas I thought it would be a wonderful idea to be a professional gift wrapper in a mall, to which my father did not share my enthusiasm. To prove his point he brought home a small box and asked me to wrap it... I changed my Christmas career choice to Santa's little helper...

Turkeys Bride!

My goodness! so I got a job at a loan store.
In my three days of working here I have learned that
people are very rude! I have never been hung up on
and or been called so many unpleasant names in my
life!
in other news its almost Thanksgiving! As everyone but me
is going away for thanksgiving I am having mine slightly
late. In an effort to be interesting I am trying to come
up with a witty name for it. Of course all my
witty names are derived from movies. Such as
"Turkey Horror Picture Show" "The girl with the Turkey Tattoo"
and "Turkey 2: He was dead but then he got better."
So not so much witty as just plagiarism.
*sigh* Mayhaps I will just call it OCTOBER THE 17TH
EAT UNTIL YOU EXPLODE DAY!
A little long, don't you think?
Its my first thanksgiving by myself, and I am really paranoid about it
I am convinced I am going to screw it up and be forced
to order Chinese foods. I am not sure why if I fuck
up my massive dinner that could feed a village in Africa
for a month it automatically means Chinese take out,
but whatever.
Maybe that's what I will call my dinner "Massively large
Dinner that could feed an African Village for a month!"
..... kind of depressing.

Did you hear?

Tim Curry is my hero. It doesn't matter that he was the voice of the mouse king in "Barbie in the nutcracker" He's that cool. What I dont understand is how he remains single. This question burned in my mind ever so stronger as I watched this clip.


If you find yourself overloaded by a mixture of bad sfx and Tim Curry's boyishly good looks, may I recommend you skip to 3:23.

Sally this is what the clap feels like.

I tried the trojan condoms that change temperature the other day. They make your crotch burn. I think they should make students try them in high school, to show them what STD's, sorry, STI's feel like.

In other news I'm employed now but thats neither here nor there.

In honor of the STI simulating condom I bring you! DR MARIO!

What this? 40 burgers in the fridge? What to do...

The only obvious thing to do was make bacon wrapped cheese burgers. Oh the heart hurting goodness!
Here are some pictures to drool/ be disgusted over!

Started with two patties, put bbq sauce and cheese in the middle

This is the bacon weave you wrap it in!

This is the whole thing in the pan cooking!

And this is it all done! Yum! Yum! Cardiac arrest has never tasted so good!

Dear world, here are more things that people do...

These, like always, arent work safe
the things people do.... literally.
lumpy boobs are always in style.
I've bookmarked this for when the apocalypse happens
Finally, I know what to charge.
Jim Post, I love you
You. Are. So. Welcome.
I ask you for a minute to imagine a man, bent over a desk making these.
and finally, Octopus wrestling, it exisits.

What did I find this week?

THIS!!

this is a funny Wow comic. Really, its funny and so not lame!
Tractors and the men who love them.
Must have a Bedazzler!
This solves so many problems!Why wasn't it thought of sooner!
I can't decide whether my friends would hate me or love me for buying this for them....
Finally!


Still unemployed but I have spent the last 4 days cutting up crab apples making jelly with them :)
That's right I have no income but still spend money. This adult thing isn't really working for me.

women in your life.

You rent Prostitutes, you lease mistresses and you buy wives.

And now for something completly different!
you need to prepare for a sea animal in your genitals.

BatMAN!

The internet why can't I quit you?

*WARNING THIS IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR DAMN NEAR EVERYONE EVER*


Yes, this is fairy porn... literally

Well now I have seen it all

For those days when you are just plain pissed.

I am not judging, I am laughing out of amusement.

Men abound are rejoicing, me? I just think it's written by men who just cant find it.

Next cupcake day I'm making these and giving them to all the WoW players who cant get girls

For people who love the Bedazzler a little too much

I have a job interview at a sex store today, wish me luck! :D

I would be a lesbian if I didn't have to deal with girls.

I some times really hate my gender. I don't understand their need to be catty and woman hating.
Now maybe my hatred stems from tha fact 9/10 women I meet hate me, like would stab me if it were legal, hate. Some times I dont know why. Most time its this:

I'm at a party, being awkward. I see a guy also being awkward. I think HEY! we can be awkward together! So I wander up, say something really embaressing, he laughs we chats and she comes up and hits me. I'm left confused... until some one walks up and says "Thats what you get for hitting on her man." So I sit on the floor in the kitchen waiting for some one to realize I was just talking.
It never happens.
Lately I have given up, afterwards instead of waiting for someone to realize I just contomplate cheese. Its a very versitile food.










Also, curtains are sold in packs of one and are abnormally expensive.

So I was bloghopping and I came across this thing called a thirty day letter challenge. It is where for thirty days you write a letter to someone.... Day number 20 caught my attention "Write a letter to the person who broke your heart the most" I don't plan on doing the whole challenge, but I thought I might try this one.


Dear Me:

You open up too much. You let people who aren't trust worthy in too far, too often. When will you learn?

The people that were supposed to love you didn't, but you believed they had changed every time they came to you crying bringing false promises and boxes of empty hope. You knew all this at the time yet you let them back in anyway. Cared for them and let them cry on your shoulder and when the time came for them to be angry always taking the timeto make yourself the tagret of their anger to save others the pain. Why must you always think you need to carry the burden yourself? Why must you pretend you are infallible when in fact you are as easily penetrated as jell-o?

You have broken my heart the most by filling my soul with hope that people change and can live up to your lofty expectations, but I forgive you. I have to. Those expectations you place on others most heavily are placed on you as well.

Love you always,

Lima Bean.

things like this always happen to me...

It's not that I don't like to be told that someone finds me attracted, its just that I always get the creepers!

For instance, I was at the bus stop the other day, writing and listening to music. When this guy came up to me and said "What are you doing? Drawing?" He asks this while he is looking at my notebook that is COVERED in writing. Instead of being snotty I quickly answer "Writing."
The next 5 minutes consists of him yabbering on and me giving quick answers. I think he thought I was an idiot and just not picking up on his really *subtle* pick up lines. So he took a leap, a brave stupid leap. He cleared his throat and proudly said " You should write a story about a guy who picks up chicks, eh? eh?"

... really. He said it.

I hate being mean, it must take a lot of courage to go up to a stranger and just start a conversation. So I can't just be the girl who says "hey dude fuck off" even though it would make my life easier. So instead I say I'm going to stick with writing about zombies. He persists and manages to drag me into a long rant about how I would never write anything as bad as Twilight and how dare he even suggest it. Then a shorter rant about how Joss Whedon is a god.
The whole time I was sounding like a complete fan girl my mouth was going while my mind was screaming to shut the hell up! I wish I had listened to it sooner, he took my admiration for Joss and turned it around to be admiration for him! So he started talking about him, it turned out to be a good thing. I slipped into the conversation that I neither lived in his area nor was single. It worked.... for about 2 seconds. He started touching me! Grabbing my sweater and petting me! I moved away, he moved closer, finally he thought of something to say. "Aren't you *hot* in this sweater" "It's not even a normal sweater its all... *tight*" (insert creepy breathing) Then the bus got there and I burst on and sat next to a girl who glared at me for sitting there since the bus was practically empty. That is until I blurted out "I'mreallysorrytositherethereisjustacreepyguywhosehittingonmeandtouchingmeandIdon'twanthimtositbesideme"
Then she laughed and I sat for the rest of the ride in fear of the man who sat at least 8 rows back....

My 11 year old brother laughed at me when I mentioned it. Even he had the brains to ask why I didn't just hit him. I couldn't really say why. I think I just feel bad for the pathetic guy at the bus stop... I mean if that's your place to pick up chicks, you must be pretty desperate right?

Best day ever!

Today I got three totally amazing books that I felt I had to share with you.

First is a biography like thing on Igor Kenk. Poetic and sad, it weaves a tale of communism, eco-awarness and hoarding together seamlessly coupled with beautifully different artwork.

For those who don't know Igor Kenk was the most hated man in Toronto a while ago. He was charged with stealing 2,865 bikes that he kept at various warehouses around the city. He owned a well known bike repair store and was thought of as an oddball but a nice guy. It makes for a very interesting read

I also got the second book, first novel by Shaunessy Bishop-Stall called Ghosted I am very excited to start this new book. His first book was Down To This. I'm sad to say I could only read it once but it is because I cried. It isn't very often a book can move me to visible emotions, and for one to move me so on several occasions only speaks to it vivid and exquisiteness . I cannot do it justice so I can only urge to read it for yourself.

The third book I got is a tome. Its a very comprehensive look at pin-up girls through the ages and the artists that drew them. I love it. I haven't been able to read it all, but its more of a reference book than anything else.

I have another followers! WOOT! I feel all credible as a blogger an stuff. Hi Amber! Thanks for reading my blog :)

C u @ the lul.

I try very hard not to text stupid people.
Here is why.
When people type "c" instead of "see", "u" instead of "you" and "kk" instead of "ok" it makes me crazy.

Why do you bother typing "kk"? Can't you just use the "o" button in place of the first "k"? It's right there, above the "k"!

The "kk" is the least of worries, when there are people running around in crocs saying "lol" in verbal conversations. Why say "lol"? Can't you just laugh out loud?
"lul" bothers me too. Where did this start? What does it mean? Laugh underwhelmingly loud?
Laugh unfathomably loud?



** UPDATE!**
I have recently found out that LUL means Laughing Uncontrolablly Loudly.... I am still not amused.

Diary of a cleaning lady.

So I'm not sure if it has been mentioned but I am a cleaning lady as well as a nanny. I am obsessive enough that I actually enjoy cleaning homes, most times. Though the town is flooded with people doing the same thing (some in lingerie) that I can't get a big enough clientele base, so I must also nanny.
I do however have a few households.

My first house is for an older lady. I will call her Greta.Shes a nice enough lady, smallish well kept house. So its always easy to clean, she needs me around because shes an old woman who cant bend and scrub. However, he old age has made her slightly senile and schizophrenic. I am always finding little piles of dirt in corners of under things. She places them there to make sure that I am cleaning thoroughly. How do I know she places them there? Before she pays me she goes around looks for it while I eat cookies in her kitchen.

Sonjia is my second house. Shes a chatty woman who just doesn't want to be bothered so she pays me. She has a couple habits. First is following me around and rambling on about things and people I don't know. The second is leaving her sex toys lying around. Yeah. I find "BOB" (Battery operated buddy) all the time. Its not actually battery operated, its a realistic latex penis that she just leaves around. It was shocking at first. I fumbled a bit not knowing where to put him or what to do with him but now its part of my routine to put him away.

My last regular house is for a girl named Jessica. Shes almost never home, and her house looks like all she does is party. I find beer bottles in places that I wonder how the got there. In plants 4 feet in the air, in a crook of a tree, balanced on a ceiling fan. At least she doesn't leave sex toys around.

Cross cake decorator off my list of plausible career choices..

The Chiefs on the food network and TLC lie. They make everything look so easy. They convince you that you, a normal average Jo can bake masterpieces! They place thoughts in your head. Thoughts like " Hey! He looks normal! I look normal! I can make toast, thus I can totally do that!" Only to have you realize halfway through your house burning down that no you cannot dazzle everyone with a masterpiece constructed out of sugar and cake.
Sometime last night I had the brilliant thought that I could not only make a cake but I could also decorate it with fondant!
I made drawings!
I looked it up on the Internet!
I made lists!
I remembered I couldn't bake a cake to save my life!
So, I reevaluated. I decided that what I really wanted to do was use fondant, so I decided to make cake out of the box.
I made more lists!
I made new drawings!
I made phone calls looking for ingredients!
I watched Invader Zim!
The next day I went to the grocery pharmacy to buy glycerin. A quick note to anyone buying glycerin, it comes in a bottle and looks like poison! I was so nervous that I was going to be accused by someone of trying to poison my boyfriend. I also bought 3 friggin pounds (!!) of icing sugar.
Everything went okie dokie, until I overfilled the cake pans and they spilled over onto the heating element and caught on fire! Smoke billowed out of the oven while I ran around like a chicken without a head. Eventually everything got under control and started again.
Let me make this clear, FONDANT IS NOT EASY! Took me 5 hours!
Here, for your viewing pleasure is my cake :)

kissing dinosaurs isn't as bad as kissing boys.

I'd like to start this entry with an apology of sorts. An apology to all those girls I scoffed at for wearing uggs with shorts, or really just wearing uggs in general. I got a pair of uggs for Christmas, and in my closet they have stayed.
Until this past week. A little while ago I kicked a wall, broke my toe. Its finally getting all better, but then I bumped a table and walked up a really big hill and my foot denounced shoes.
So I decided that I would wear the uggs, just down the drive way. That was 3 days ago and I had yet to take them off. They are so comfortable! However, I will never forgive people who wear Crocs, they have a purpose, and that purpose is NOT walking down Younge street.
*~*
Every so often my father has these little comments. Usually they are stupid and insulting, he's happiest when they are both, but his favorite topic when speaking to me is the merits of being a lesbian. His latest quip is that when a girl kisses a boy for the first time she loses all her intelligence. It is only when she refrains from kissing boys for a period of 6 months does her intelligence come back. The loop hole of course is to kiss girls.
I mention this only for this picture. I went to Royal Alberta Museum and one of the few pictures I took, was in my favorite section

DINOSAURS! :) (This little beauty is an ankylosaurus for anyone wondering.)

*~*

Relay for life.

I started our bright eyed and bouncing. I was laughing at all the cool costumes, the "Pirates of the Cure-ibbean", the "ninja nurses". They had live bands and I was dancing. By midnight I was slowing down.

Normally I am okay for all nighters. I routinely go to be when the sun is getting up. This particular morning however my morning loving room mate decided it was totally unacceptable that I stay in bed after 10 am. After going to sleep at 5am , 10 am was not a reasonable time for me to look awake. However, I did it! I was AWAKE! (The popular joke that morning was that I figured out how to make my actors look like zombies. Gee, love you too guys.) So I'm looking at a daunting 12 hour walk starting at 7, but I managed to be awake and some what personable during the day.

So I think its totally reasonable that at midnight my body started to start lagging. Add the fact that earlier my boyfriend "casually" mentioned that him and I want to backpack lots of places and while doing this "backpacking" we would indeed be walking, and wearing backpacks. So perhaps this would be a great opportunity to train for it. (Some love eh? Taking advantage of my lower brain functions to convince me that this was a good idea.) So I was tired and lugging a 40 pound backpack around the godforsaken track.

I hustled through, I'm a fighter, that's actually a total lie, I am the biggest wuss. But somehow* (*my boyfriend literally pushing me) I got around the track.
By 1 o'clock they started bringing out the Karaoke. I suddenly got my energy back! The track was big enough that you couldn't really hear the singers at one end so I was flying past the stage in an effort to get to that most loved stretch.

By 5 am I was deader than dead. I am sad to say it but I gave up at 5:30. I couldn't continue. I crashed in my tent for the last 2 and a half hours, ashamed and unaccomplished.

I'm never quite as lonely as when my email inbox is empty.

I need to stop watching scary movies.

I watch way too many of them. They have seeped into reality for me. It is no longer a question of if ghosts exist its whether I have done something to piss them off enough that they will haunt me.

It's late, and I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Why?
It's because I'm in a new place and I keep staring at the closet thinking a creepy Japanese spirit is going to crawl out and stare at me.

I know it's odd (whats not odd about me?) but one of my deepest desires is to have a phobia that I'm never going to come across or one that could help me.

Chickens — Alektorophobia
I wonder does this translate to eating chicken as well?
Chopsticks — Consecotaleophobia
This wouldn't be too hard to avoid. I wouldn't even have to stop eating Chinese food, I'm white so they always assume I can't use chopsticks.
Garlic — Alliumphobia
Apperently you don't have to be a vampire to be scared of garlic.
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth — Arachibutyrophobia
...
Phobias — Phobophobia
Yes, a phobia about having a phobia.

Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers
How helpful would this have been to get out of Math class?

Alas, I'm sitting here in the semi dark fearing something as boring as the dark.
Though through my research I think I may suffer from Metrophobia (Fear of poetry)

Realization of the month.

Karma hates me, I'll prove it.

FRIDAY.

Yes my weekend starts on Friday. Someone invisible has decided jam a pen in my left ear, hard. I cant sleep. I'm so tired and in so much pain I eventually just become hysterical. I read on the Internet that hot towels ease the pain, so my head is soaked.
You may ask, why don't you go to the doctor? Easy. No health card. I never get sick see, my immune system is usually so bad ass. Eventually I relent to the Tylenol siren call, after 4 extra strength pills I'm out like a light.

SATURDAY & SUNDAY.

Saturday and Sunday pass swiftly and relatively pain free, except I am getting progressively deafer in my left ear.

MONDAY.

I got my health card. My left ear has now stopped working almost completely. But my luck has turned! The emergency room is near empty! I get signed in a in a room within 20 minutes! Karma cannot have this! Suddenly 4 ambulances come rushing in! I swear worst injury was whip lash. However, there is only ONE doctor on duty so my 20 minute wait turns into three hours.
Three hours for a thirty second visit. I get pills, they are nasty.

TUESDAY & WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY.

For Tuesday to Thursday I work. Cute kids, scary dog that wants to eat me. My chest starts looking funny, kind of red.

FRIDAY.

My body looks like a tomato! Remember the red? It spread, to everywhere! So I call up my father, as I am talking to him I watch as red bumps start to cover my body. I trek off to the hospital, and get MORE pills.
These pills suck! Four times a day and they make me sleepy and drowsy.

:(

Money, pills and fags.*

I have a job, finally right?
Its not great in fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up hating life itself in a couple moths but I'm getting money.

I now look after kids. On the bright side they are so cute. On the down side I have met their mother twice and she's already a pain. She talks in circles and she tells her kids that I am going to do all these different things with them, including but not limited to ; walking the dogs, doing science experiments with them and cleaning her house. So far I've only met one of the three. Not to mention she already has me booked well into August. >.<
But I will be making around $1,500 a month more than my current income of nil.
With enough money this job will be worth it... I hope.


It's a miracle I have turned out as well as I have. Yes, I consider myself as a well rounded person. (Okay mildly rounded, think of a triangle with rounded points.)
The other day I was on the phone with my father (who is 44) and he let slip the word "fag". I do not like that word, he knows it and usually doesn't use it. Only when hes been working too much. Any way, instead of apologizing he decides to say it repeatedly. after I hung up he called me back.... to repeat it some more. I stopped calling him back, and in return he sent me text messages with only one word repeated. He took the time out to type it out more than 50 times, just to bother me.
See, all things considering I AM well rounded.

On another note, I'm deaf in one ear. I have a ear infection, something I've never gotten and really don't recommend. Not fun, I got stuff shoved in my ear by a (cute) doctor, and have to take gross pills. Also, I have a pig named Mr. Wiggles on Wow. :)

* please don't hate me for using that word. I am a nice person. And I don't even swear usually much less use words like that. And I PROMISE my fathers just immature and he's actually a nice guy.

I love the internet,

http://dontstandnexttothesun.org/

really I do.

super powers.

** They fly, they shoot webs, they are tough. "They" are super heroes.
They have super powers.
I have a super power too, it's being awkward.



My dad has a girlfriend. Her and I don't get along. But I have realize a lot of blame for that falls on me. So, I decided to get her a mothers day card. She's a great mom, awesome even.

So I got her this really cool wonder woman card and it talks and I was totally stoked.
Then I wrote this in it:
Happy mothers day. As an expert on mothers* I know a good one when I see one. And you're a great one! (Not that I'm saying you're MY mom, cause I know you would hate that. I just meant that you're a great mom to my brothers. Which I'm sure you already know and don't need me telling you that you're doing a great job. Cause you totally are. and this side notes getting a little long so.... thumbs up!) :D



W...T...F?!
Did I even think about what I was writing? No, I just wrote. So if you ever need any thing made awkward... I guess you know who to call.


*My dads a bit of a player and so on top of his 2 wives I had countless girlfriends trying to be my mom for 2 weeks. until they got bored of me.
** That's the picture i drew for thumbs up. I think it was supposed to be me... but I'm not sure.

Servers rule my life.

I went to a party this week, I had a blast. It was great, got really drunk. Did wild crazy things.
I'm lying, how sad, I'm lying to my blog.

No, it's children's week on WoW, my friends (what few I have) have been warned. I have barely left my computer, then tragedy struck!
The servers went down!

Devastation.

There is a bright side to this horror, the servers went down right as Glee started.
I found solace in their rendition of Ice Ice Baby. I do love that song.

Roller Derby!!

I am the biggest pussy. I can't stand any type of pain (even though I have 2 tattoos)
but I cant wait to join my local roller derby!

I've never even been to a proper match, but my aunt was the Zen Menace, and I watched hours of games online...

One of my favorite things about the derby is the names! They are full of puns, alliterations and other geeky goodness mixed with violence and a dash of femininity.

Here is a small list of my favorites:

Adoll Hitter
Baby Splice
Barba Fett
BareLeigh Legal
Belle E. Dancer
Black Sabbatha
Carrie Go Round
Charli Horse
Dale M. For Murder
Dammage Patch Kid
Dawny Darko
Effie Bomb
Eureeka Havoc
Faith Kill
Foxy Balboa
Full Metal Jacque
Genghis Mom
Giggle byte
Grumbellina
Hard Knox
Heidi Hipwrecker
Helen Killer
Hollynator
Honey Crueler
Icy London
Ima Zombie
Jacknife Jenn
Jenny Rotten
Kandy Barr
Karma Electra
Kat Von Devious
Katie Karnage
Kelly Ripya
Maiden Hell

Marzipain
Medusa Damage
Nuke-Leah
Shannibal Lector
Zombie Stardust

I just need my name and I'll be ready to compare battle bruises with the best of them.

Alberta Labour Minister and James Cameron in a "YO MAMA" battle!

"The Alberta Oil sands are a black eye in Canada"
"Avatar Director slams Alberta Oil sands!"

Apparently these days, you can slam the government,huge companies and those who work there all in the same sentence without knowing much about them.
James Cameron admits he knows very little about the Alberta oil sands. But that doesn't stop him from speaking out against them.

Our labor minister does not shirk from these allegations, retorting that the oil sands are a safe work environment and helps the economy! She also adds she's thinking of making a smurfs movie too.
Yes. That's her argument. So what if it destroys the environment, on paper the people who work there are safe!
Who cares if the government only gets 1% royalties, while the American companies rake in billions of dollars.

Its a classic case of
Eco-nut " Oil sands are bad because of XYZ!"
Government "Oil sands are good because of KLM!"

Except our eco-nut didn't give XYZ, he simply said that he didn't like them. So they must be evil.

I am mostly against the oil sands.I understand they give many people much needed jobs. However, they harm so much in the process that perhaps its time to move all those people to an alternative energy source. I live in Fort McMurray, right near the sands.I know many many people who work there. And I would never want any of them to be unemployed and struggling.
But when a company has to give our "hush money" as part of your pay check somethings not quite working.

There are alternative sources of power. Sources that can be cultivated to be just as lucrative as oil. All they need is the chance. But companies and people don't want to do that.
who wants to spend an extra 20 grand on a car because its electric, sure an extra 5 bucks is okay to spend. That extra 5 bucks can get us 100% recycled paper and make us feel good, but 20 grand is a lot of money to make us feel good.

Companies wont lower the price of electric cars because they make money off of parts and maintenance. Not selling you the car.
Electric car parts don't get as worn, thus needing less maintenance.

Perhaps, you buy that hybrid. Feeling good?
Think about this, parts from your car came from China,Japan and America.
How did it get from Japan to China, from China to America, from America to you?
Boats. Boats burning a lot of oil.

What I'm trying to get across is that oil is a complicated issue that deserves far more letters that XYZ, and KLM. It crosses company lines and creeps into our lives.
It's the best option we have now, but perhaps its time we start investing more into find the best option for later instead of insulting or protecting something can't that be replaced yet.

Boxes.

Boxes have taken over my life.
Empty boxes, full boxes. Boxes for this, for that.
Too many boxes.


I've started looking into apartments in Edmonton. It scares me.
Not because its a new place, I'm used to moving. I've done it all my life, I like it.
I'm scared because V has friends there. Friends that dislike me, for the simple reason he is with me.
I really cant handle being disliked. It stresses me out.
I wish I could be a bitch. Bitches don't care if people don't like them.
Really its not friends its just one.
She still wants him. Still hates me. Even though its almost been a year.
what happens when we move there?
Shes really pretty. (I'm a terrible person... resorting to semi-cyber stalking.)
Shes smart and really great at art.
These thoughts really dont help me. They are only driving a smaller wedge between V and I.
(Something I'm sure she'd be happy to know.)
(or not, she's very nice I'm sure. )

I've started looking into places in Montreal. A cowardly move disguised as something noble or adventurous.

It's very pretty.



I'm going to go drown myself in more boxes.

It's official.

Yup, I have become a stereotype. Wonderful.
You may have noticed that in my last post I mentioned I played Wow. However, my "playing" was just me borrowing someone else's account. Now I have my own.
To make things slightly more geeky, all my characters ( I have two + a pet ) are named after William Shakespear's "A Midsummer's Nights Dream".( Moth,Peaseblossom and Cobweb if you were wondering.)
...

I am unemployed, living in a basement and play WoW. My trinity is now complete.

Are Vaginas synonmous with confusion?

It is naturally assumed that as a women I understand women.
What people forget to add into their assumption is that I was raised mainly by a womanizing father.
He was either wonderful or horrible with women. On one hand he almost always had one, on the other, he lost them all.
So this assumption is wrong. I don't understand women. Hopefully never will.
I don't like to generalize ( OK that's a small lie. I do it often, but I don't like that I do...) and I don't like to be sexist. But seriously, women are CRAZY. I cant even count the times that I fought with a girl over nothing or the amount of times my father got things lobbed at his head because he said the slightest of things (on the flip side, my dad's a real prick sometimes, sorry Dad)
Anyway I bring up crazy women because I have just gotten kicked out my crappy little closet like apartment.
Yeah.
Just like that.
And why? Why am I a refugee? Why have I gotten unceremoniously booted from three places by women? Perhaps its me? I can't say, I know I'm hard to live with, can men do it quite easily, why only women?
Cause they're CRAZY!
This time there wasn't even a fight. I stood there dumbfounded, calmly walked down stairs and then burst into tears. Normally I wouldn't admit that, but really, its the only option I saw, other than punching her in her fat mug. ( I swear I'm not violent! I feel bad even hurting things on WoW. Which I'm sure is another thing my therapist would love to talk about... moving on.) But punching her would really kind of put a damper on my relationship with her fiance. He's a swell guy.
No fight. That I know of.
Key phase "that I know of"
Nope. Apparently we've been fighting for months. Months! And I never knew.
Is that even possible?
As, I am no longer in my cubby we paid too much for I suppose it is and that also would mean that I have lost what ever we were arguing about. Which makes me the most upset. Which then confuses me that THAT is what I'm upset about.
I called my father to let him know the address change (my boyfriend parents took pity on us and now we crash here) and he knew about these secret fights! Yes, the man had been holding out on me!
All the things to keep from his favorite daughter, all the things he's told me! He could have let an information tidbit about boats go and slipped in that women have imaginary fights with you! But no. Perhaps he thought I would be spared due to my matching parts, or perhaps its one of those things you have to learn yourself. But what ever the reason he knew! The traitor.




So yes.
Thats been my week.
Snow up to my waist and getting booted from my room.
On the plus side, I'm fairly certain that this is a bonding moment for me and my father. He's loved me less ever since I became unemployed and started playing WoW...

snow.

I made my first snow man yesterday. I know, I'm 20 years old and it was my first snowman, pathetic. But to make up for it, I made two. I cant really say I made them by myself. my boyfriend helped me. Thats him on the left.
It snowed more after this picture. It snowed so much we now have 54 cm!
that's a lot of snow!
I wanted something to compare it to. This is what I got. 54 cm is the average height of a 9 year old child!
I love snow.

Dear R. Pats, please get a better knickname. signed Me.

OH MY GOODNESS THE INTERNET EXPLODED! DID YOU HEAR?
3 AM TELEVISION HAS ONCE AGAIN PROVEN TO BE EYE OPENING AND VERY INFORMATIVE.
LET ME EXPLAIN.

LOOKING FOR MIND NUMBING SLEEP INDUCING PROGRAMMING I TURNED ON THE ONE CHANNEL ALWAYS GOOD FOR GOOD WHITE NOISE, MUCH MUSIC ( NOT SAY ALL THEIR PROGRAMMING IS BAD, JUST MOST)
AND LO-AND BEHOLD A "TWILIGHT" DOCUMENT RY. PERFECT!
(LET ME CLARIFY SOMETHING. MY HATRED FOR TWILIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTORS. THOUGH ROBERT MAY BENEFIT FROM A SHOWER. AND WHATS-HER-NAME NEEDS TO FIRE HER STYLIST. SERIOUSLY EVERY AWARD SHOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A METH HEAD.)

ANYWAY. SO, TWILIGHT DOC. ONE OF THE V.J'S (DEVIN SOMETHING OR OTHER) SAID
"THE INTERNET EXPLODED"
"WHAT?!"
GOSH, I WISH I HAD A PVR.



REWIND, PLAY, LAUGH X1000

monkey chatter

99.99% of our genetic make up is identical to chimpanzees. Not wrongfully we assume that means that as intelligence goes chimpanzees must be closest to us. We are taught the they use tools, have a political oligarchy and even trade sex for food. (maybe you weren't taught that in school, I myself learned it off manswers) But last year scientists made a remarkable discovery. Monkeys are adapting closer to our ways than even chimps.

We all know monkeys use tools too, but did you know they are multilingual and use grammar?A skill chimps ( and it would seem even some humans) haven't learned yet.

Deep in the jungle, different calls bombard human ears, but each animal can pick out their own species call. But yet there are a group of monkeys that can hear and understand the calls of other species of monkeys. Making these monkeys multilingual.
The live in a U.N setting, with monkeys from 8 different species living together, looking out for each other and even grooming one another. Together these species have about 15 distinct calls, making each monkey able to understand 120 different sounds.
120 different sounds, or 8 languages, I don't know many humans that speak 8 languages. These sounds aren't simple quick calls, they are sentences, with grammar and modifiers.

This language development doesn't stop at just understanding other species.
White faced Capuchin monkeys have learned to lie. A process that sounds simple enough, but requires abstract thinking of things that are not there, predicting how other will react and thinking about what others are thinking.
Why lie?
Monkeys have strict political structure with strong leaders. In this society the leaders can take lesser males food. But what the lesser monkey has demonstrated is hiding good food, making the sound for "snake" and while the other monkeys are hiding in the trees looking for the snake, they have snuck down and eaten their treasure.

And I thought monkeys just thought about places to throw their poo.

A letter to a bad lover.

You have spent endless hours watching porn on the computer, yet seem to have learned nothing.
I dont ask for odd postions, prop masters with ketchup squeeze bottles full of lube or cameras. I ask for simple things like forplay that includes more than " oh baby, you look hot."
or playing with my breasts as if you are executing the Konami code.
You're skills at cunninglus are only slightly out shadowed by your skills at coitus. Which is to say your inability to read even the most obvious signals, and your complete confusion at the female anatomy is only slightly worse than the jerky akward movements on top of my, you suspect is sex, though it is closer to a seal moving on dry land.
If I ever have a son I will teach him this, "Study your porn." You spend hours on the computer, do something constructive that will help you in the future. *

Sincerly,
You're sexually frustrated girlfriend

*That is if 4 Chan doesnt pervert everything by the time I am a parent...

Quick Rant.
Unlike many a geek in this world I have not enriched the world in any way.
Nor am I on my way to enriching it. In fact many these past months have been filled with unemployment. With scattered bits of trying. But finally dear readers, I got a job! It was hardly anything ground breaking, but it was empoyment! I was a lowly waitress in a small greaasy spoon, oh, but it was what I was made to do! Or so I thought. The manager, decided that for what ever reason I did not fit into the dynamic of the resteraunt. And there is nothing bad about it, well there is, but I harbour no ill will for that, it happens What I do find my self angry about is that he didnt bother to tell me. No, I called and he said "Er, I'll call you back."three days, no phone call so I called. To get "you're not on the scheduale" *click* leaving me to stare at
the phone dumbfounded.alright, so I have once again found myself in the unemployment statisics. On top of this unsettling factor for a great many months I have been watching my life slowly flow away. I am not an old biddy nor am I married or with children. Yet, I have no life. Normally geeks have no life, or so is the stereo type. Not so, their life may invove a screen but it is still there. I dont even have that. My friends have exciting lives, and a few even have exciting blogs.They are striving towards a better world. I a left behin in the dust.
The have been quite helpful, they have allowed me to talk aboout the most exciting things in my life (scrapboking, video games.) with feign intrest. And even my other half has produced this life, he has plans, and things to do. have covered myself in a mountain of pictures and scrap paper. I have left an exciting place where sitting in the park wonderful things happened to here. Where is here? Here is fort mcmurray. Here is an oil town, where nothing happens and it exists in a small detached bubble

Welcome to my GEEK space.

This is my space of geek-ery and debauchery. I don't know how interesting my life is, but I do know that the world and its inhabitants are on a whole more fascinating.
So this is where I will post my findings and thoughts and perhaps occasionally my own adventures in this tiny town that holds very few.


so to start it off I present for your consideration:

80's dance moves that deserve a comeback.
The '80's gave us so much. Much bad, some good. Why Lima, what good came from this decade that unleashed upon the world an evil that took shape in big hair, shoulder pads and bad songs? Video games, what we now consider to be "classic". These games make a come back with every new console. So why should the come back be only for the games? Here is a short list of Dance moves that deserve to seen once again.

The running man Hop as you bring one knee up, then slide the grounded foot back as you bring your raised foot down, landing on this foot directly beneath you. ( As if you're running in place) Repeat. A classic.
The typewriter Hop side ways, alternating your toes in and out. Simple and effective
The funky alien Push a fist out from underneath your shirt to imitate alien birth from your abdominal cavity. ( For added fun, draw an alien face on your fist and let it peek out the neck of your shirt.)